Right there in front of me

We had an interesting pitch experience this week. We received an RFQ from a non-profit we're interested in working with. It didn't actually require a response beyond coming in for a meeting, it was more of a program brief, which was unusual but I asked about this and they confirmed. It was a good meeting, we made some recommendations to restructure the project that would get them more value for their money, and they seemed to appreciate them. We found out today we didn't get it, and they went with a guy who did a full analysis of their site (something we usually charge for) and they liked him because he went the extra mile. Which is how it should be. I seriously have no hard feelings.

Except. Except that it makes me realize that we're not the hungry, young firm that we used to be. (I've known this before, but I think I forgot during the dry months of quarter one!) Three years ago we were the firm that prepared elaborate presentations, did all sorts of free analysis and design, and poured our hearts into every proposal. We still do that for the really big important jobs, but our business model dictates that we fill in the gaps with the smaller projects, so these are important, too.

This was just another reminder that we really need to hire. I really want to fill in our staff with the creative situations like we have with our analytics expert and we used to have with our usability expert (before she had her baby), but those situations are once in a blue moon and I have to move forward. I'm not satisfied with the contractor we're using for some services right now sinceI don't think we're working toward complementary goals.

But what was I just saying in that last post? Get creative. Brainstorm. I was coaching a friend the other day to talk to everyone she knows and ask for help. I've been doing that, but without purpose or direction. I really haven't asked for help with my plan, I've been asking someone else to make the plan for me. That's not where I'm supposed to be at this point.

And that's what it is. I need to get clarity on the plan. I've known this for weeks but I've been avoiding it. It's like what I was saying yesterday: the answers are usually right there in front of you, you just need someone else to point them out for you.

How *do* you have it all?

I'm really good at is helping people solve problems. People will send their friends to me to help them find jobs. When someone is in crisis I can dissect the issue pretty quickly and come up with a dozen things to try or people to call. I don't think I'm the fairy godmother or anything, but I know that I at least get people thinking about new ways of looking at their lives.

So why can't I do this for myself?

Of course, this is totally common. The whole cobbler's children never have new shoes, or whatever the saying is. But it's beginning to frustrate me. I do ask for help--it's one of my survival skills--but what I really need is someone to map out the plan for me and help me stay on track. My coach suggested I get a conference call with a group of my favorite smart women and brain storm. Of course, I'll take it a step further and invite them over for wine. (I'm still trying to figure out how to get my working moms group to drink wine at our gatherings...)wine just makes it all better.) The thing that's holding me back? What if they come up with all sorts of fabulous ideas and I don't do anything with them? I would be so humiliated.

Another issue I have to sort out: I miss being a project manager. Not the operational piece, the budget tracking and the paperwork. But I miss being right in the middle of all the details of the project and working really closely with the clients. Since we're in between PMs right now I'm doing a lot of this work and I forgot how much I love it. It's easy! The responsibilities and the decisions are clear. I've toyed with the idea of just hiring someone to do the operations piece, an account coordinator, and going back to the structure we had before I got pregnant and the business exploded...but it's not going to work. It's really not working all that well right now, if I'm really honest. But there are lots of aspects to this work that I miss.

And then there's the other idea that always rears it's ugly little head...consulting. But do I really want to do everything, and do it alone? No, I don't think so. There has to be a solution in the middle, that will also allow me to have a baby next year.

Oy. Am I really doing this again?